Nurse or No Nurse?

I have always had mixed feelings about having full time private duty nursing. When George was 5 months old we ended up in the hospital because his stridor had become worse due to really bad reflux. We ended up having to do a Nissen and all the nurses/doctors/hospital staff was shocked that I had no help at home. I kept repeating "well I don't work I'm a stay at home mom" to their horrified faces. Finally they got me to agree to have help since my insurance pays for unlimited amount of nursing. I was never fully excited about the idea. He was my son and here would be someone else telling me how to take care of him. Also our house is only 1200 square feet, and there would be someone there with me during the day. It just seemed strange.

I gave in because of all the times I had to take George to dr's appt's and the store and when I was stuck in the house. I knew I was starting to lose my mind with only a baby to talk to. I tried to get the nursing agency to send me just someone for a few hours a day but that wasn't a possibility. It was at least four 8 hour shifts or nothing. My first nurse was extremely unreliable, always late. She made me late for many of George's dr's appts. To the point where when we had a glitch in our approval and I couldn't have nursing for a few weeks, I told Jarrod I don't think I want her back. Our nursing agency sent someone else and she ended up being wonderful. George started doing much better in his therapies and I felt comfortable venturing out into the real world. I got used to the freedom.

Then the Thursday before last I got the call saying my nursing is being dropped because George is stable, I have a nurse until Monday and thats it. I felt like the rug had just been pulled out from under me. I was back in school studying web design in the middle of the semester, I had been volunteering regularly at the animal shelter, I had just started to have a part of my life that wasn't about being a special needs child's mother. The first few days I was devastated. I felt lost, I would have to drop my class and forget about doing next semester. But after a few days with George and a chance to deal with it, I was ready to do this. George and I had a system and I was in complete control of what happened in my home. I would just teach myself the web design stuff since I already was due to my unmotivated lazy teacher (thank you rural community college). I became so okay with the idea that on Friday when I received the call saying "you have nursing back!" I didn't leap for joy like I thought I would. Did I really want nursing back?

I think my biggest issue is with someone there to specifically care for my son I felt disconnected from the process. I wasn't always there to fix booboos and hold him when he was sleepy and delight in his accomplishments. Everything was filtered though my nurse. So I wasn't sure if I wanted her back. I ended up deciding to continue so I could finish my class and help at the shelter for just a little bit longer. I loved my week with George but how long until I start resenting my hubby for not helping more, and resent my child for not letting me have a life. I don't like feeling that way but those feelings always seem to find their way in. But next time approval comes up I will be prepared to lose my nursing again. It wont be the nightmare it seemed to be. I know that one day I wont be blessed with this free skilled care babysitting. I need to spend the next few months finding a way to keep my identity as something other than a mother intact for when that happens so that I can be the best mommy I can. A happy mommy is a good mommy.